The death star canteen

Great Eddie Izzard…

o, uh, yeah, but the Death Star, the one thing about the Death Star is that there was no food. No one had food at all. No food at all~ No one said, “Hey, Darth Vader, Emperor, just nipping down to alpha beta 9. What d’you want? Couple of sarnies? Um, chicken, ham, ham, chicken, egg, what? Coke? Diet Coke? What d’you want? What d’you want? You weird bleeders!” But there must have been a Death Star canteen, yeah?

there must have been a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill and go down (Vader voice) “I will have the penne a la arrabiata.” (server voice) “you’ll need a tray.” (Vader) “Do you know who I am?” “This is not a game of who the fuck are you. For I am Vader. Darth Vader. Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought!” (server) “Well, you’ll still need a tray.” (Vader) “No, I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the Force – which is strong within me – even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished. For I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor…” (server) “No, the food is hot. You’ll need a tray to put the food on.” (Vader) Oh, I see, the food is hot. I’m sorry, I, I did not realize. Hah! Hah! I thought you were challenging me to a fight to the death.” (server) “Fight to the death? This is canteen, I work here.” (Vader) “Yes, but I am Vader, I am Lord Vader. Everyone challenges me to a fight to the death. Lord Vader. Darth Vader, I am Dart Vader, Lord Vader. Sir Lord Vader, Sir Lord Darth Vader. Lord Darth Sir Lord Vader of Cheam. Sir Lord Baron von Vaderham. The Death Star. I run the Death Star.” (server) “What’s the Death Star?” (Vader losing patience) “this is the Death Star. You’re in the Death Star. I run this star.” (server) “This is a star?” (Vader) “This is a fucking star – I run it. I’m your boss. (server) “You’re Mr. Stephens?” (Vader) “No, I’m…who is Mr. Stephens?” (Vader) He’s head of catering.” (Vader) “I’m not head of catering! I am Vader. I can kill catering with a thought.” (server) “What?” (Vader) “I can kill you all. I can kill me with a thought. Just…I’ll get a tray, fuck it!…” “This one’s wet, and this one’s wet, and this one’s wet. This one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet, this one is wet. Did you dry these in a rain forest? Why, with the power of the Death Star, do we not have a tray that is fucking dry? I do not… (someone cutting in line) No, no, no. I was here first.” “You have to form a queue if you want food. Can I have, oh, penne ala arrabiata, that looks nice.” “no, no, no. D’you know who I am?” (server butts in) “That’s **Jeff Vader, that is.” (Vader) “I am not Jeff Vader, I am Darth Vader.” (server) “What, Jeff Vader runs the Death Star?” (Vader) “No, Jeff…No, I run the Death Star.” (other person) “You Jeff Vader?” (Vader) “No, I’m Darth Vader!” (other person) “Are you his brother? Can you get his autograph?” (Vader) “I can’t get it…No, I’m…all right, I’m Jeff Vader! I’m Jeff Vader!” (other person) “Can I have your autograph?” (Vader) “No, fuck off, or I’ll kill you with a tray! Give me penne a la arrabiata or you shall die!. And you, and everyone in this canteen! Death by tray it shall be!” (server) “Do you want peas with that?” (Vader) “Peas? You don’t have peas! You can’t put red with…It doesn’t work with penne, you don’t’ put, unless you push them up the penne tubes, and then they’d be weird! Just…(giving up) oh, all right, put some peas on.” (as Eddie) That was cut out of the final film. Thank you very much. Thank you.


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